I feel so violated...yet I voted to rape myself.

As I left the woodshop where I cast my ballot with the union, my bitterness burned like bile in the back of my throat. I had just cast a vote that I did not like, which I almost abstained from casting--and finally decided to, at the last minute, choose between what seems to be the lesser of two evils. But is it really? Is voting "yes" to dock my own salary next month, by $400 (it will be significantly more for teachers at a higher step/pay rate than my own), in exchange for a handful of promises that may or may not be kept by the district (at their pleasure and their leisure, mind you), really better than having them dock my salary on their own terms and despite my vote of "no"? I voted, but I am still deeply undecided in my heart.

Maybe I should have abstained from voting. After all, if you are asked to vote between forced suicide ("yes") and the electric chair ("no"), either way, you are going to die. If I vote "yes," am I legitimizing the whole sham of a procedure? Am I pretending to actually vote for something, in order for the school board to be able to say, "Congratulations, you did the right thing," knowing damn well they would have gone ahead with it on their own regardless of the outcome of the "vote"? Isn't what I just did a bit like actually voting in an election in a totalitarian nation where there is only one name on the ballot, or where the other name will never actually be allowed to win, but where the election is contrived to give a facade of democracy to the whole thing?

Or perhaps I am being a bit melodramatic. But that is what it feels like, in many ways. If you read my blog from the 12th (if you didn't, catch up now!), or if you're a M-DCPS teacher, then you know what I am talking about. As I explained in Tuesday's post, after UTD has fought the school board for months on the issue, during which time the district has put out propaganda and even columnists for the Miami Herald have accused the union of being "greedy" and "petty", it is down to the wire: we are presented with the choice of voting "yes" to screw ourselves, or voting "no" so that we can get screwed anyway. They tell us, "If you vote yes, you'll get a kiss before the d*&^ up your a**." (Forgive my narrowly dodged profanity; I feel in a cursing mood at the moment.) "If you vote no," they continue, "then you'll just get a d&^* up your a**." And, of course, not voting at all is the same as voting no...or voting yes, if the majority of members vote yes...and what difference does it really make, because the "choice" we are given is no choice at all, and the outcome will, essentially, be the same. We will get screwed out of pay for 2 days of work, and we may or may not get repaid in (they say) October (maybe).

So yes, I am bitter. Like I said in Tuesday's post, I rely on every penny from every paycheck just to make ends meet. I don't go out clubbing. I don't go on shopping sprees. I don't eat at Ruth's Chris every night, or ever, for that matter. On the other hand, unlike the AIG execs (whose contracts were held so sacred that every performance or retention bonus or raise promised within had to be upheld, regardless of the fact that those people are responsible for the collapse of the economy that is a major factor in the bankruptcy of Florida's education system), I have been doing my job, consistently and more than satisfactorily, all year. I'm not asking for a retention bonus. I'm not asking for any bonus at all--no millions, no thousands, no hundreds, not even a dime, though it certainly would be nice to feel appreciated. All I'm asking is to get paid for work I have already done, and done well. Apparently, that is too much to ask, and when we ask for it anyway, we get called "greedy" by Myriam Marquez in the Herald. We get told we should be making "sacrifices."

Well, guess what, Ms. Marquez. I already am making sacrifices to do what I do. I'm smart, I made great grades in school; I could have done pretty much anything I wanted to do. I could have gone to law school and become a trial lawyer so I could drive a Porsche and live in a mansion in Golden Beach. I could have gone into advertising (as was my first plan in my first year of college) and made a lucrative career out of brainwashing gullible consumers into buying more crap they don't need or even know they want until they see the commercial. I could have done a lot of things that would have given me license to be rich...and greedy. And it would have been defended on a large public scale as "capitalism at work." But guess what. I wanted a career where I felt like I was actually doing something good, bringing value into people's lives and into society as a whole, and where I didn't feel like I was exploiting others or being exploited just to make some quick cash. Sure, it's nice to be able to buy the things you want, but I realized quickly that driving around in a Jag would feel pretty rotten (for me, at least) if I did not feel proud of where that money had come from, or what I'd had to do (or whom I'd had to screw) to get it. I don't want to play martyr, either; there are definite advantages to my job...good benefits (though they've tried to strip us of those, too); plenty of time off; significant job security when compared to jobs in the private sector. But the bottom line is, I do my job because I enjoy it; because I like feeling that I am giving more than I am taking from society; that I am making a difference in someone's life, maybe not every kid's--I'm sure not every kid's--but a few. And those few are going to feel just a little better about themselves at the end of the day, and then who knows what they may go on to accomplish. I think my job is pretty freaking important, and that it contributes much more to the greater good than selling derivatives--whatever that means--or suing people, or working to scam the general population or exploit the vulnerable--the things that seem to go on endlessly in the corporate world.

And again, I'm not threatening to quit if I don't get some multi-million dollar retention bonus. I don't think I'm that important. But I do think I am important enough to be paid for the work I do, and to be paid enough that I can live comfortably and do what I do without having to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills.

But you know us teachers. Always so greedy. Just take, take, take. Hands always in the taxpayers' pockets. Building stadiums with public money, that's just fine. Some capitalist will always be there to say, "But that will bring in revenue!" Never mind that that is not always true...they will say it anyway. They will try to claim that building stadiums contributes more to society than education. And there seem to be certain things that just cannot be considered when debating how to fund education...for example, closing corporate loopholes. Did you know that ZephyrHills, among others, bottles their water for free in Florida? When I say for free, I mean for free. The same water that you and I and everyone else pays for, they get for free; then they bottle it up and sell it to you. But your friendly Republican legislature, always looking out for your best interest, proposed taxing the consumer who buys the bottled water rather than the bottler...(or not even taxing the bottler; just making him pay for the water he's bottling). People who buy yachts in Florida pay ridiculously low amounts of tax on them; yet they want to raise the sales tax on everyone. And anything, anything but creating a state income tax; God forbid we should tax the people who can afford to be taxed, rather than spreading it out over everyone through a sales tax, where the burden inevitably falls heaviest on those who can least afford it.

Why the hell do we want so badly to keep all those rich people in this state, anyway, when they obviously have no interest in giving back to the state?

But I digress. The point of this post was the vote I cast today, of which I am pretty ashamed. I did it with the vague idea that it was probably in my best interest, but knowing deep down that nobody really gives a damn about my best interest in this district or in this state. Since you're determined to screw me anyway, do it as gently as possible, with a kiss and a few sweet nothings in my ear. When I wake up tomorrow and you're nowhere to be found, your unfulfilled promises ephemeral as a dream, I'll still feel just as violated...only now, I'll have myself to blame, not only you.

Congratulations. You achieved your goal. You convinced me that it was in our best interest to lie still and quiet during the rape, rather than kicking and screaming.